I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
