so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
