Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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