I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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