I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
