a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
