i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
