Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize