I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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