god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
