Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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