i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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