Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
