There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
