This is not my ceiling
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
