i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
