I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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