no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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