I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
