I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
