im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
