I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
