The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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