I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
