I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
