I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
