I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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