Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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