she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
