Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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