There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Randomize
