Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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