So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
