apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize