Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
