im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
The uberlube is also flammable
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
