I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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