My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
