i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I still have a little drunk in my system
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
