you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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