Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
