you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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