Your face is a jimmy john
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize