Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
