The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
