dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
