Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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