Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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