My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
