I molested 6 butterflies tonight
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
