Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
home. puking in laundry basket.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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