What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
