Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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