she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
