I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
