I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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