you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
