Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
