Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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